Once upon a time in the year 3087 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a continent called Pus, and on this continent was a country called Bonertania, and in this country there was a quadrant called Plotz, and in this quadrant was a town called Smortzville, in which lived exactly 100 smortzes, furry bug-eyed puppet-class yokai who wore shirts and hats but no pants or shoes, each with their own clearly defined purpose and obligations.
All their surnames were Smortz. Their eyes were white with back dots in the middle. Each three-to-four foot tall citizen lived for exactly forty-four years and then died, laying a terd containing their replacement who took on their name and occupation. “Terds” were what they called eggs on Sifillis Planet.
Altogether, life in Smortzville was as laid back as possible, and the smortzes watched a lot of feature film motion pictures.
But one day in Smortzville there was a big hullaballo. Haberdasher Smortz had reached his forty-fourth year and died at his birthday party by his head exploding- as all smortzes do. Then a big slimy smortz terd goopily burst forth from between his legs and began growing to the size of a full-grown smortz- as all smortz terds do. But something unexpected then transpired. The terd kept on growing until it was the size of TWO full-grown smortzes. And sure enough, when the terd steamily cracked open, nestled in the syrupy placenta were two sleeping smortzes instead of one- one fluorescent orange smort and one purple smort.
Everyone panicked. No one knew what to do. Twins being hatched in Smortzville had never happened before in all of the recorded history of Pus Continent. Also, there had never been a purple smortz before. Of the exactly 100 smortzes the color break down was:
19% Pink
15% Orange
13% Fluorescent Orange
10% Yellow
09% Ash Grey
08% Lime Green
06% Black
04% Navy Blue
03% Cerulean Blue
02% Black and White
02% Blue-Grey
02% Red
02% Turquoise
01% None (Bald)
01% Brown and White
01% Burnt Umber
01% Gamboge
01 % Silver
Haberdasher Smortz had been fluorescent orange, so the townsfolk agreed that the like-colored smortz should take on his name. That meant they had to think of a new name for the new smortz- something no one had had to do as long as any of the smortzes could remember. So the town took a vote and unanimously they all voted for the name “Smort”. So the twins were thus dubbed Haberdasher Smortz and Smort Smortz.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
By this point the new brothers had woken up and were dazed and confused. Doctor Smortz, Nurse Smortz, Hygienist Smortz, and Syrup Guzzler Smortz led them away to be cleaned up and checked for intestinal parasites. Syrup Guzzler Smortz was very happy because there was twice as much placenta syrup to guzzle as usual.
Once Haberdasher and Smort were fully awake and the town got to know them they discovered the twins were completely opposite in almost every way. When Haberdasher was serious, Smort was humorous. Haberdasher had 20/20 vision, Smort required thick glasses. Haberdasher took up running the haberdashery where the previous haberdasher had left off haberdashing, and did a superlative job. But Smort was terrible at haberdashing. He was constantly breaking equipment and stock, and he daydreamed constantly too. Smort was such an unreliable coworker his exasperated brother finally appealed to Tremorroid Smortz to find a new job for Smort. So one by one each smortz took Smort on as an apprentice. And one by one each found Smort was utterly incapable of performing any of their duties. He tried working with Accountant Smortz, Architect Smortz, Baker Smortz, Barber Smortz, Beat Cop Smortz, Beekeeper Smortz, Bounty Hunter Smortz, Butcher Smortz, Camerasmortz Smortz Caricaturist Smortz, Carpenter Smortz, Cartographer Smortz, Chainsaw Sculptor Smortz, Cockadoodoo Sexer Smortz, Comptroller Smortz, Convenience Store Employee Smortz, Convenience Store Owner and Operator Smortz, Community Manager Smortz, Curator Smortz, Custodian Smortz, Cyanotic Belchkin Trainer Smortz, Day Laborer Smortz, Deep Sea Diver Smortz, Defense Lawyer Smortz, Distribution Manager Smortz, Doctor Smortz, Drug Dealer Smortz, Eelersmortz Smortz, Electrician Smortz, Executioner Smortz, Exorcist Smortz, Farmer Smortz, Fecal Transplanter Smortz, Film Festival Programmer Smortz, Firesmortz Smortz, Fishersmortz Smortz, Flackfizer Smortz, Food Procurer Smortz, Foot Model Smortz, Furdresser Smortz, Garbage Collector Smortz, Gaffer Smortz, Gondola Pilot Smortz, Gourmet Chef Smortz, Graffiti Artist Smortz, Green Grocer Smortz, Hand Model Smortz, Hospital Administrator Smortz, Hot Tub Repairer Smortz, Hygienist Smortz, Ice Cream Vendor Smortz, Iguanaboy Smortz, Inventor Smortz, Janitor Smortz (who forced Smort to throw dirt clods at his arch nemesis, Custodian Smortz), Judge Smortz, Logistics Analyst Smortz, Mailsmortz Smortz, MC Smortz, Mortician Smortz, Movie Theater Manager Smortz, Mystery Shopper Smortz, Nurse Smortz, Ophthalmologist Smortz, Paranormal Investigator Smortz, Pharmacist Smortz, Plumber Smortz, Police Commissioner Smortz, Prizefighter Smortz, Other Convenience Store Employee Smortz, Outhouse Sanitizer Smortz, Performance Artist Smortz, Proctologist Smortz, Professor Smortz, Prosecuting Attorney Smortz, Sculptor Smortz, Septic Tank Cleaner Smortz, Shirt-Maker Smortz, Slaughterhouse Worker Smortz, Social Service Worker Smortz, Solar Photovoltaic Installer Smortz, Stand-up Comedian Smortz, Streetfighter Smortz, Strikebuster Smortz, Syrup Guzzler Smortz, Taint Scraper Smortz, T.V. set Repairer Smortz, Veiny Vine Wrangler Smortz, Vetrenarian Smortz, Video Store Smortz, Waker Smortz (the partner of Baker Smortz), Welder Smortz, Wiener Vendor Smortz, Xylophoner Smortz, Yo-yo Master Smortz, Zebrahog Rancher Smortz, Zine Maker Smortz, and even Tremorroid Smortz.
It seemed the only thing Smortz excelled at was cracking jokes while watching feature film motion pictures, and all the other smortzes got annoyed when he did that. At the next town meeting it was pointed out that Smort Smortz was worse than useless and was taking up space and eating their food and had to leave. Also, he had burnt down the hospital.
They gave Smort a backpack full of balnuts and alien feces sandwiches and sent him on his way. Smort, who was pretty unhappy about the situation as you can imagine, walked all the way to Adolf Marx Town, which was nice and fragrant and full of pinkish, brownish, and greyish humanoids bustling about. Smort had no idea what to do, so he browsed through the town’s numerous mom and pop video stores. When night fell he slept behind a dumpster using his backpack for a pillow.
The following morning Smort decided to head south. After a few miles the dirt path he walked down turned into a very nice paved road. Eventually he reached a very ritzy neighborhood with strangely shaped houses. There were buildings shaped like shoes, and scroat skulls and quiffs. On home in particular got Smort’s attention. It was shaped like a lamp, complete with glowing bulb and gargantuan shade. Smort heard what sounded like a raucous party going on so he tiptoed up to the house and peeked in the window...
