Isran gnced at Morgana. She had seen the woman sitting with the governor previously but hadn’t really been paying her any mind. So much was happening around her, her brain had been prioritizing what it felt was best.

  After her match, she had sat quietly in the designated seating of the adventurers. The crowd wasn’t allowed there and since hers was the st match of the day she hadn’t been approached. She needed that.

  Elysi, Phaedra, and Calliope had joined her. None of them said anything as she stared at the spot where she had beaten the earth mage only a few hours before.

  Her hands still shook.

  Calliope was on her p, Isran’s head on top of hers, while her hands were in Phaedra and Elysi’s. She was still shaking.

  “Well done today.”

  Isran nodded at the cursed knight and cleared her throat, she hadn't really needed to, but it was so quiet, too quiet.

  “Are you okay?” Morgana said, her eyebrow a bit lowered.

  Isran didn’t answer. She couldn’t answer. Why had she done that? He fought under her like a frightened animal and she had just… She wondered what he saw as she attacked him. What he felt.

  Elowin had given her a rag doll potato to squeeze. But it hadn’t helped and Leopold had started talking to it as soon as she abandoned it.

  Morgana hummed and turned to Elysi. “Can I have a word with you?”

  Elysi nodded and kissed Isran’s cheek before walking away with the cursed knight.

  Calliope was falling asleep, Isran could feel her weight being let go and the smaller woman leaning into her. Phaedra put her head on her shoulder.

  A memory floated in her mind. A kid with no face… she had no idea who they were but she was a kid too. He had killed a bird that they had found in the park. Isran was crying. That was it.

  It was still bright out. The matches hadn’t been very long and announcing the winners was not a time consuming affair. But it was getting darker. And colder. Isran wondered if his blood was still on his clothes. Elysi had wiped her hand clean.

  When Elysi came back she took back her pce and whispered into Isran's ear.

  “Are you okay?”

  Isran shook her head no slowly. She was seeing the man she killed in the dungeon. His lifeless eyes and unmoving corpse. It made her feel like a monster. Elysi had said she was not a monster, that he would've killed her if she hadn't. But every time she thought about she wondered if that was really true. Had Elysi just said that to make her feel better?

  “Did he really deserve to die?” Her voice cracked, it was almost inaudible.

  “He tried to kill you.”

  Isran loved Elysi, loved how the woman could immediately tell what she was talking about.

  “But I could’ve incapacitated him… did I have to kill him.”

  Elysi was quiet for a bit. “Did you remember him today? During the match?”

  “I saw his face.” Isran gnced at from the pce she had stomped on the man with a sword and shield.

  “Do you want to go home? You can forfeit.”

  Isran didn’t want to leave. Her teammates would be disadvantaged. And what would that say about her as a ‘promising’ knight? Would Morgana even speak to her again? What a fucking embarrassment it would be. An adventurer who was spooked from a fight.

  Why do you fight?

  She had never thought about the answer to that question. The thought of stopping made her pause. Made her feel inadequate. Unworthy of the css she had received.

  Why do you fight?

  Because she enjoyed it…

  Do you enjoy hurting people?

  Isran closed her eyes and sighed.

  “No—no I’m okay.”

  “Are you sure?” Elysi sounded very worried, and Phaedra’s grip on her hand tightened. “You don’t have to do this.”

  Why do you fight?

  Isran gnced at Red, the cape motionless against her leg.

  “Yeah, I promise.” She turned to face her sheep girl. “I’m amazing. Remember?” An uncertain smile on her face

  Elysi smiled--still looking worried--but nodded. “Yeah, you are amazing.”

  Isran smiled at her and leaned down to give her a small kiss.

  When they parted ways Elysi kissed her one more time and Phaedra gave her a soft kiss on her cheek. Calliope was asleep and Desmarcus, who Isran hadn’t know had showed up to watch her carried the sleeping woman.

  He nodded silently at Isran and Isran smiled back at him.

  Why do you fight?

  Isran walked silently back to the barracks. Stewing on the question in her head. Alden was waiting for her outside their building. He smiled when he spotted her, but Isran could tell he was worried.

  “Hey.”

  She silently looked at him.

  “You okay?”

  “Why do you fight?”

  Alden blinked in light confusion. “Why do I fight?”

  Isran nodded.

  The blonde orc hummed. “Well, I don’t really know. I’ve always enjoyed fighting, never thought about the true why I guess.”

  Isran swallowed, it wasn’t the answer she wanted. But she had no idea what answer she wanted.

  “Have—have you ever killed someone?”

  Alden shook his head no.

  Isran swallowed and nodded. “I uh… I’m going to take a shower.”

  With an uncertain nod, Alden let her leave.

  Isran sighed as she let the water run over her. The cubicle was small but she didn't hate it, her thoughts ran wild, her eyes stung from the soap falling into it. She couldn't close her eyes--she wouldn't.

  At midnight Isran gnced at Alden’s sleeping form the back at the pin ceiling.

  Why do you fight?

  Her eyes stung, she was tired, but she couldn't close her eyes. Wouldn't.

  "Why do I fight?" She whispered, almost inaudibly.