When Alicia takes a squat,

  she’ll stay on the pot,

  whether you gotta go or not.

  Your guts can ache and bubble,

  they can even flip over and gurgle,

  but she still won’t get up.

  Honestly, I kinda think the seat

  is glued to her butt.

  It kinda makes sense

  that she’s always on it,

  cuz dude, look at the size

  of her gut!

  You can wobble and hop,

  try to hold your pee

  and plead,

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  “Alicia, get off the pot!”

  She’ll just shake her head and say,

  “Not!”

  Man, I had to go one time

  and I thought I was at a stadium

  standing in line.

  I peeked in on her

  and she was lighting a smoke.

  I said, “Hurry up!”

  She said, “Shut up and bring

  me my Coke!”

  I looked in again

  and she was reading a book!

  I said, “Hurry up!”

  She said, “I want some burritos,

  go cook!”

  I brought her the burritos

  and what did I see?

  She done rolled in a TV!

  I said, “Hurry up and do

  what you gotta do!”

  She said, “I’ll get up

  after watching Doctor Who!”

  I had to pee so bad

  my teeth were swimming!

  I passed out on the floor

  from waste overload.

  Then she got up

  and said, “Now you can go.”

  - dedicated to Alicia Stephens with love