I woke with a start, staring at my bloody hands and—

  I blinked, staring at my clean hands, fighting back the urge to throw up. I hugged my knees to my chest as tears leaked from my eyes, doing my best to stay quiet. Just had to breathe in and out, nice and slow, no need to panic, it was just a nightmare. That I could still see the deaths-head grins of my victims was beside the point.

  I peeked out from behind my legs, a shuddering sigh escaping my lips. Amy was there, rolled on her side and facing the back of the couch, snoring quietly. The TV was still glowing, some infomercial that played after the regular programming was over. As I watched her, she shifted and groaned, her snoring quieting down. Light caught her eyes as they opened and she yawned, stretching her arms out over her head.

  “Hey,” I said quietly. “Sorry I woke you.”

  “MmmLia?” Amy said sleepily, squinting at me. “Somethin’ wrong?”

  “It’s nothing,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “Should just go back to sleep.”

  “‘kay,” she mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her eyes slowly before rising. “C’mon.”

  She trudged off to our room, leaving me on the couch. I grabbed the remote and plunged the room into darkness, then laid back down and sighed. Probably wasn’t getting back to sleep tonight, not that I wanted to with what seemed to await me in my dreams. So bullshit that I wasn’t a Noctis cape, I could use the extra time.

  My stomach convulsed and I gagged, swallowing my gorge that threatened to spill all over the place. I was fine, hadn’t even done anything wrong. Dean nearly died, and if I hadn’t driven off the gangsters he probably would have; to say nothing of Nadir and Zeke. Just because the Protectorate wanted to get up my ass, and my brain was a bitch, didn’t mean I’d actually done something wrong.

  Except I’d killed two people, not exactly something I could blame on the Undersiders or something. I decided to carry the gun, I decided to draw it, and I pulled the trigger. But even feeling sick and having nightmares, I couldn’t call it a bad thing. The gangsters had fired first after getting a chance to surrender peacefully.

  “Hey,” Amy’s sleepy voice made me start violently. “Uhm, you coming to bed?” I bit my lip, eyes flicking to the ground.

  “Are you...sure?” I asked. “Aren’t you mad?” The shadows on her face shifted as she stared silently at me for a moment.

  “Dunno,” she said at last, yawning. “Figure it out in the morning?” A nervous smile touched my lips and I rose, padding over to her.

  “Okay,” I whispered as she wrapped her arms around me and took me to bed.

  “So I’ve heard Dean’s story,” Amy said around a mouthful of oatmeal. “I want to hear it from you. What happened.” I swallowed some coffee and sighed, scratching my head.

  “We were on patrol,” I explained, the night coming back all too easily. “Normal thing through the South End, me, Nadir, Z, and Dean. It was going smoothly until we encountered a group of Werwolf thugs on the street. Openly armed, so I told them to disarm and surrender. One of them aimed at me, then started shooting when I gave a final warning. I...I shot back, dropped two of them but the others got away.” My stomach twisted as I remembered how the second one’s scream cut off.

  “Where did you get the gun?” she asked flatly.

  “Z,” I answered. No point hiding it. “Told you about him, the guy we rescued who joined us.”

  “Figures,” she muttered. “Well...thanks for telling me the truth.”

  “What else would I tell you?” I said, knitting my brows.

  “You could lie, leave things out,” Amy said, shrugging. “You have before.” I winced.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, lowering my gaze. “I… You want the whole truth?”

  “Yes,” she said shortly. I took a deep breath.

  “I’m scared,” I said, shutting my eyes as my heart began pounding. “I’m terrified of how you’ll react. I was...I honestly considered shooting myself, after I shot those two guys.” She gasped, but I continued. “I could deal with the Protectorate, with my team, but…” I bit my lower lip until I could feel blood trickling down my chin. “I’m sorry.”

  “I believe you,” Amy said. I flinched as her hand touched my forearm. The pain in my lip vanished, and I felt her dab it with a napkin. “I won’t say I’m not angry but...I think I understand a little. I know you didn’t go out to kill people, but people are still dead.”

  “Killers,” I muttered.

  “Lia…” she sighed and gripped my chin, forcing me to look at her. An involuntary noise escaped my throat. “That is what’s getting you into this crap.”

  “It’s true,” I countered, hating how much it sounded like I was whining. “You healed Dean, you know they tried to kill us.”

  “But they’re the only ones who died.”

  “I…” I sighed and nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. But even the Protectorate agreed in the end.”

  “That doesn’t justify it,” she snapped. “Lia you need to chill. You’re one hero, on a small team full of newbies. If you keep throwing yourself into situations like this, you’re going to keep killing people because it’s you or them; and I know what you’ll choose.” I felt my lower lip tremble and pulled away.

  “I can’t stop, I can’t,” I said as tears blurred my vision. “Amy they’re going after people our age, my friends. What would you do if they went after—”

  “Don’t you dare,” Amy growled. “Don’t you dare try and compare this to what happened to us.”

  “You should get it better than anyone though!” I said plaintively.

  “I do!” she shouted, throwing up her arms. “Fuck, you think I didn’t have this argument a million times with my fucking sister? Aunt Jess was the only other person in that family who treated me like family. But revenge is evil, Lia. All it does is poison people.”

  “Evil? I know evil Amy, and putting a stop to Nazis isn’t it.” I shook my head, sighing. “But I don’t want more blood on my hands I just… I want people to be safe.”

  “You can make it happen,” Amy said. “But you have to do it right.”

  “Yeah,” I croaked, offering her a smile. “I’m going to keep trying, promise.”

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  “I’ll hold you to that,” she said, rising from her chair. “Got to go, hospital shift.”

  “‘kay,” I said, voice small. “I...I love you Amy.” She smiled and leaned down, pressing her lips to mine for a second before heading out the door.

  At least I knew things would be alright now…

  “You good kid?” Lafayette asked as I yawned between sets on the speed bag. “You look beat to shit.”

  “Tired,” I replied shortly, shaking out my wrists before donning my gloves again. “Haven’t been sleeping well.”

  “Want to talk about it?” she said, lowering her voice. “Got a pretty good clue what’s on your mind.”

  “Yeah I bet,” I muttered. “Bet all the squaddies are buzzing about the fucking attack dog.”

  “I thought you liked the nickname,” she said, arching a brow.

  “It’s whatever,” I shrugged.

  “Mm, guess it feels a little different today huh?” Lafayette put a firm hand on my shoulder and started leading me aside. “Come on.”

  “Hey, I’m not done,” I complained.

  “You need the break,” she said, her tone daring a fight.

  “Fine,” I mumbled, following meekly and sitting next to her on a bench in the corner of the gym, away from everyone.

  “So, lay it on me.”

  “You already know everything,” I said, staring at the floor.

  “No, I read a police report,” Lafayette countered. “But that’s not what I pulled you aside for.” My cheeks burned and I crossed my arms.

  “I’ll be fine,” I said tensely. “Just have to get over it.”

  “And in the mean time, you can talk to someone who gets it,” she said, putting an arm around my shoulders. I felt my lower lip start to tremble.

  “It’s not—” I choked on my words and took a shuddering breath. “It’s not fair. I defended my friends, saved their lives. Why...why can’t I fucking sleep?” Her grip around my back tightened and I sniffled.

  “First time I killed a man, I didn’t sleep for a week,” Lafayette said quietly. “Wasn’t too different. We were raiding a Teeth hideout, I was on point like usual. Kicked in the door, swept through like it was a regular kill house. I held the hall while my two-man went into a room. Heard gunshots, and when I went in after him…”

  “I didn’t even think,” she continued with a sigh. “Just boom-boom-boom, pure instinct, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered, hunching my shoulders.

  “Threw up when we got back in the van,” she said. “Think they took me off the duty roster for a week or something too. But as bad as it was, well, I can’t say I made the wrong choice. What about you?” I bit my lip.

  “I...I don’t know,” I admitted. “I keep playing it in my head, over and over but… It’s not like the other times, times I didn’t have a choice, times I was forced. I just...why didn’t they surrender? Why did they shoot us? They didn’t have to die I...I didn’t have to kill them.” My lower lip trembled as Lafayette’s embrace around my shoulders tightened.

  “I don’t blame you,” she said, kind enough that a choked sob escaped my throat. “It’s okay Lia.”

  My arms wrapped around Lafayette as the dam broke. I only hoped she wouldn’t judge me too harshly.

  “Alright and just like that you’re set,” Samuel said, handing me an envelope. “Account details are in there, also went to the trouble of getting you a prepaid card for a few grand just in case.”

  “Thanks,” I said flatly, sticking it in my coat. I’d check it later, and god help him if it was all fucked up. “House sale went through fine?”

  “No problems at all,” he said. “Even managed to get above market rate, well whatever passes for the market rate these days.”

  “Cool,” I said.

  “And how are you doing?” he asked, giving me a look. “Holding up okay?”

  “Just fine,” I said tersely.

  “Mmm, maybe you ought to put aside some of this for therapy,” he said. “I know a guy down in Boston, good fellow, can trust him to keep his mouth shut. Usually works with folks on the wrong side of the law but I’m sure he’d make an exception.”

  “Not happening,” I said, shaking my head. “Already did that crap and all it did was fuck me up more.” At least before I just thought I was someone else…

  “Well, I won’t force you,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “But I’ve seen that look before. Playing it over and over in your head, right? Imagining how it could have gone different?” I narrowed my eyes, looking at him.

  “Fuck do you know?”

  “Used to be in the service, back when the army was actually relevant,” Samuel said, the look on his face darkening. “Got to say, all it did was make me glad it isn’t anymore. I know kid, trust me. That crap does help, even if it may not seem like it sometimes. But if you can’t do it with a therapist, maybe just talk to your team, see how they feel about it.”

  “I already know they think I’m crazy,” I muttered.

  “Yeah, they said that to your face did they?” I frowned and shook my head, getting a chuckle. “Maybe that was the case when you were up in lights, but from what little you’ve told me I think these guys think the world of you. Squad’s one of the only things you can trust, right?”

  “I...I guess,” I sighed. “My coach said something similar.”

  “They sound smart,” he said. “You know what they said: one’s a coincidence, two’s a trend.”

  “Doesn’t that end with ‘three’s enemy action’?” I retorted.

  “It does at that,” Samuel replied, laughing. “Hope that’s not the point you’re taking from this.”

  “No, just...I don’t know.” I chewed my lip. “I’ve been a hero for longer than any of them, I’m the leader, I have to be an example you know?”

  “Got to say, watching my boss fall apart on her own wouldn’t exactly inspire confidence,” he said dryly. “If it’s bugging you, it might be bothering them too. You call yourself the leader, that means you need to think about how this stuff affects the rest of your squad too.”

  “Yeah I...I guess.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Thanks, I...yeah, thanks.”

  “No problem Amelia,” he said, offering a smile. “Stay safe out there, okay?”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Yeah that’s...that sucks,” Joy said, putting her arm around my shoulders.

  “Sorry,” I said, hunching further.

  “Nothing to apologize for,” she reassured me, rubbing my arm. “I didn’t know it was messing you up that bad, sorry I didn’t notice.”

  “Not your job,” I said hoarsely, shaking my head. “Should have been able to just...deal.”

  “Like...I don’t think so,” she replied. “And I don’t think you did anything wrong either. Those motherfuckers tried to kill us.”

  “Yeah I just...I don’t know,” I sighed. “I know you couldn’t have done anything but I keep wondering, you know?”

  “Yeah,” Joy nodded. “It’s...Laffy said it’s normal, talked me through it. Fact is, if I’d tried to stop them I’d have been gunned down before I got close enough. You were the only person who could do it so...thanks.”

  “I guess you’re welcome,” I said, leaning against her. “Sorry I’m such a little bitch.”

  “You’re fine,” she reassured me. “Thanks for saving our asses.”

  “It’s fine,” I said, pulling away as Zeke came around the corner of the path. I narrowed my eyes at the sight of a second person with him, a bigger, older black guy with a bald head and salt-and-pepper beard. He seemed to study us as Zeke led him over, his gaze cold. “Hey Zeke, want to introduce us?” I said when they got close enough.

  “Yo Lia, Joy,” Zeke said, giving us both a nod before gesturing to the guy beside him. “This here’s Papa, my main man.”

  “What’s good?” the man said, his voice higher pitched than I expected.

  “Hi,” I said flatly, staring at Zeke. “Explain.”

  “Lil Z here was my boy,” the man, Papa, spoke in Zeke’s place. “Taught him everything he knows, or at least whatever he remembers.” I fought to keep my face neutral.

  “So you’re a gangster too,” I replied evenly.

  “Was,” he said with a shrug. “Ain’t no gang left, and this town’s a little bit shit if you ain’t established.”

  “Just wanted to introduce you guys,” Zeke said quickly, a nervous smile on his lips. “Ain’t hung out with Papa since before the shit, sorry to spring it.”

  “It’s cool,” Joy said, offering a smile. “Nice to meet you Papa, I’m Joy.”

  “Likewise,” he replied.

  "Well, nice to meet and all, but I was planning on a more private conversation,” I said, meeting Papa’s gaze. He stared for a moment, then shrugged.

  “Fine by me,” he said, turning around and clapping a hand on Zeke’s shoulder. “Watch your ass, boy.”

  “You got it Papa,” Zeke replied, offering a thumbs up as the man walked away. He took a seat, glancing between us. “So, whatcha think?”

  “Of what?” Joy asked, arching a brow. I felt my eye twitch.

  “Don’t tell me you want him on the team,” I said, voice low.

  “Shit why not?” Zeke said, cocking his head. “Papa’s a hell of a shooter.”

  “We’re not looking for shooters,” I growled. “You know we’re trying to avoid killing people?”

  “I know, just…” He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “Shit, they ain’t, you dig?”

  “I don’t know Zeke,” Joy said nervously. “I’m...you were one thing, okay? You actually got attacked and stuff. This is just some guy, you know?”

  “Man’s been living in the city for nearly three decades,” Zeke countered. “He seen it, believe me.”

  “I don’t want to run a gang,” I said bitterly, even as a note of temptation began creeping in. We were pretty badly outnumbered… “Look, we’re doing fine, just the four of us. So drop it, cool?”

  “Alright,” he sighed. “So, what’s the plan going forward, boss?”