{Sonic Hedgehog} [Marshall Mathers Parody]
As machines around Sonic beep, Joshua visits him in the hospital.
Joshua: That was a real close one... Thought we lost you there... But, I guess you got great insurance, heh!..... Can I get you anything?... Just, uh... Just let me know...
Joshua tries to leave, but soon turns back to Sonic.
Joshua: Just!... Say something!... Please... I know your mind's goin' at a million miles a minute. I'll wait if you need me to, just... Never-mind...
Sonic: You mean what you said on I'm Back? That I'm your friend?
Joshua: … What do you want me to say?! You were the first game I ever remember playing!... *Sits down* Sonic Adventure. Gamecube... *Wipes tear* I don't wanna see you die, but I guess I just gave up on you ever being good.
Sonic: There was Shadow Generations. Sonic Mania.
Joshua: Heh. Got me there...
Sonic: Why'd you stick around?
Joshua: You think I could get rid of you after all you did for me? You're like my brother... Like a second brother...
Sonic: Hey, J?
Joshua: Yeah?
Sonic: I don't really have infinite lives, do I?
Joshua: Finally sobering up?
Sonic tears up.
Joshua: How you feeling?
Sonic: Got a mic?
Joshua hands Sonic a chocolate bar.
Sonic: Heh! Good one.
The music starts up.
Sonic: You know, I just don't get it. People who hate me and people elate me. Think they just bait me, but then they play, sedate, and date rape me. But, hey, I'm just fake, see? Just means they do it to people who ain't me.
Joshua: You can get a real mate, G.
Sonic: But, I'm... Just Sonic Hedgehog.
Joshua: ST Hedgehog.
Sonic: Just a regular game, don't know why all the fame around me.
Joshua: Shame about me.
Sonic: I know my fans in the front will always clout me.
Joshua: Always cloud me.
Sonic: But, I also know there'll always be those who doubt me.
Joshua: Those denounce me.
Sonic: Yo! You wanna pounce me? Trounce and bounce me as you crowd me? Well, I get it. When I was a kid it was always somethin' different. “If it ain't the mainline, skip it.” Missin' most of the rides of my life I rode on. Ya ain't carin' about the guys who wrote on that crap like it was a battle rap against that little red-capped scat! But, who am I to attack a gnat? And, who am I kiddin'? Higher than I ever been at.
Joshua: It all started when Oshima farted 'cause of chili-dogs and thought of hogs. They made a Sonic Bible. Stuck to the tale worse than I do. Once, to me, you were brighter than a Staryu. When I grew up, I had to ask, “Who are you?”
Sonic: Trite writers made me somebody who ain't me.
Joshua: That's why I came around to turn the lame to proud, injectin' 200CCs of Shady.
Sonic: Now, I know it ain't all them either.
Joshua: Sega said his self can't grow, or develop neither.
Sonic: That ain't no character. It's a joke that'll choke my studio to get it broke and it'll croak like a toad with a crushed closed throat!
Joshua: At least it ain't woke.
Sonic: Fat load of good that does. Got a thousand fuzzy buds ridin' my nuts, but even with all that support I'll still never get a single award. So, I aborted the idea of a cordial retort before I was reborn.
The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.
Joshua: “Fat?”
Sonic: Sorry! I meant, death defyingly obese like Ovi sittin' on a gold tree and crackin' it with one old knee. “Oh, Gee! He was mean to the gravity challenged! Let's send him our depravity, malice!” Yeah! Come here and see my cavity mallet. I'll let you happily have it.
Joshua: “You just scatily rap bits!”
Sonic: Yup! Ha-Ha!
Joshua: You makin' fun of me? I'm makin' fun, you see. 'Cause, I made friends with the monster inside of my head. Had me on a thread. Almost a goner, 'cause it wished me dead. But, that's old ground that I've tread. You'll just say I'm crazy cringy, but who cares what lazy men think? Finally lettin' my mind loose. No longer no mime, mute. Now likin' what I do. No more wastin' time, youth.
Sonic: Don't like our passion? You the one outta fashion. Time to cash in the 'stache, men. 'Cause, we know the trolls are on the team of red and green, eatin' lean, ain't gettin' schemes. Think this just memes? Ain't what it seems, or be seemin'. And, yeah, I know what you thinkin'. Seamen! Ha-Ha!
Joshua: So, just keep screamin' while I'm creamin' mean-ily as the one reference you get is Skibidi. We say, “Ha-ha” and, “Tee hee.” Laughin', but you still can't be me!
Sonic: 'Cause, I'm... Just Sonic Hedgehog.
Joshua: ST Hedgehog.
Sonic: Just an average game, don't know why all the rage around me.
Joshua: Rage surrounds me.
Sonic: Fans and foes alike all wanna pound me.
Joshua: Wanna drown me.
Sonic: But, in the end I'll be the one who's clowning.
Joshua: One who's bouting.
Sonic: I wanna Rage Against the Machine, but it's keepin' me alive. Wires go out to the street. Dare me to drive? Tryin' to stride, strive, and save a life, but I'm tied to a thousand dies that want me to die!
Joshua: Dude, you dumb as Dory? Get back to the story!
Sonic: Well, my move to 3D was more seedy than the red beanie. My corp-parents got greedy, stopped carin' about how my core audience sees me. “Instead of gameplay, let's focus on more stuff. Got seven Adventures spread across four lame days. Ain't that enough?”
Joshua: We don't want this Duff! All made the same way, like they're cut from the same clay.
Sonic: Stitchin' together code with glue, a lucky horseshoe, and mucky, coarse doo doo soup. The guys who wrote it are abusive and abusers too!
Joshua: Um. That's slander and about as subtle as a salamander with a stock of coriander. You'll get us in legal trouble!
Sonic: Awww! You wanna beagle cuddle? Fuzzy nuzzle like a cuckold? Can't hit me if I'm not real!
Joshua: Okay, but I'M! Really real for real and that's my deal!
Sonic: Nice spiel. Good with dissin' public figures, but not normal people?
Joshua: Guess I'm used to triggerin' bigger sinister sinners on Twitter, doin' a more formal evil.
Sonic: Can't be Evil! That's me.
Joshua: I see.
Sonic: 'Cause, I'm... Just Sonic Hedgehog.
Joshua: ST Hedgehog.
Sonic: Just a regular game, don't know why all the fame around me.
Joshua: Shame about me.
Sonic: I know my fans in the front will always clout me.
Joshua: Always cloud me.
Sonic: But, I also know there'll always be those who doubt me.
Joshua: Those denounce me.
Sonic: 'Cause, I'm... Just Sonic Hedgehog.
Joshua: ST Hedgehog.
Sonic: Just an average game, don't know why all the rage around me.
Joshua: Rage surrounds me.
Sonic: Fans and foes alike all wanna pound me.
Joshua: Wanna drown me.
Sonic: But, in the end I'll be the one who's clowning.
Joshua: One who's bouting.
The music fades into the background as Joshua grabs Sonic's shoulder.
Joshua: Know what? No matter how bad you get, I'll still be there.
Sonic: Even if you hate my guts?
Joshua: Especially When I hate your guts.
Sonic: Thanks, man.
Joshua: … Man! Everyone's gonna think this is the cringiest thing since Chris Chan.
Sonic: At least you'll be a lol-cow.
Joshua: Heh! Yeah, I got that.
Sonic: Besides, “Cringe” half the time just means “Showing more emotions than I like.”
Joshua: Yeah. Good thing I chose the most emotional medium for storytelling to tell my stories. And, it sure is good I never put out anything waaay more embarrassing than this stuff.
Sonic: Hey! Half yo fans won't even see this crap. My embarrassment's way more public. You got that Mason guy who's inspired by me.
Joshua: “Inspired?” Maybe in some weird way, but not really.
Sonic: You stole Surge from me.
Joshua: Mine's “Spark.” Totally different.
Sonic: Yeah, completely. 'Cause, the rest was took from My Little Pony.
Joshua: You really wanna talk Friendship Is Magic, mister Rainbow Dash?
Sonic: Hey! I came first!
Joshua: Yes! You inspired her! Obsessed with being cool, the fastest thing alive, and a blue tool, too. Anyway, I took way more from god Of War, Devil May Cry, the MCU, Teen Titans, JoJo-
Sonic: Uh-huh. Try to make it sound cool, but there's always gonna be a pony at the heart of it.
Joshua: … Know what? You gettin' strangled.
He grabs Sonic's throat.
Sonic: No! Wait!
