Deep breaths, Elaine told herself as she knelt in the dry grass. She kept her mind focused on only one thing, achieving oneness with Astor. The warm air blew around her as she concentrated. She gritted her teeth against the distraction.

  The world fell away as she kneeled there. She couldn’t hear the sounds of the caravan any longer, nor could she see the people dancing in the firelight to her left. It was as if she was traveling in the Veil, only darkness remained.

  The warmth of Grace refused to fill her muscles. She could still feel nothing without her armor. She wouldn’t give up. Even if she had to pierce the Veil above and drag Astor out herself, she would find him again.

  “What are you doing?” Jane asked, pushing down on Elaine’s shoulders as she leaned over. “Is it secret knight stuff?”

  “I’m trying to meditate.” Elaine shrugged Jane off.

  “You’re doing it wrong,” Jane said in the matter of fact way that only a child could. “Everyone knows you don’t kneel down.”

  “How would you do it then?” Elaine sighed.

  She couldn’t concentrate on it if the girl kept bothering her, but Elaine didn’t have the heart to send the child away. It was rare to find any family that followed the words of Astor outside of the cities and something about Jane reminded her of herself.

  It was probably her cheekiness.

  “Like this.” Jane sat down and crossed her legs in front of Elaine.

  She held both of her fists in her lap and looked down before closing her eyes. Like Elaine, she focused on deep controlled breaths. The girl was unable to maintain the stance. After barely a ten count, she was back on her feet.

  “I can’t sit still that long,” she said.

  “No, you cannot.” Elaine hid her laugh.

  She sat down much the way that Jane had, crossing her legs and balling her fists up in her lap. It wouldn’t hurt to humor the girl. She was sure that there would be no difference. Elaine took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

  Elaine sat there for quite some time, completely oblivious to the world around her. Jane even managed to be quiet. There was nothing there. No matter how hard Elaine searched, she could not reach Astor.

  She cracked open one of her eyes, just catching Jane as she finally fell down to the ground and stared up at the starry night. Elaine had to admit that there was no shortage of energy in her. She sighed and rose up from her mediation.

  “You’ve been in a lot of fights, right?” Jane asked, not taking her eyes off the stars.

  “I’ve fought ever since I was a child.” Elaine walked over and sat down next to her. “I’ve fought bullies, criminals and even sarpans.”

  “My mother told me that I shouldn’t ever think about fighting,” Jane said. “She said that it wasn’t a woman’s place to fight, it was her place to live. But I hear about the knights, and I see you, and…I don’t know.”

  Elaine sighed. This was something she had thought about once in her life, but the decision was made long ago. She hadn’t thought about it when she had made the choice, but she knew what it was after.

  “I think that’s up to you, Jane,” Elaine said. “A woman is just as capable at fighting as a man, with good steel in her hands or a fine bow. But, when you choose that path, you leave something behind. There are things I know I can never do now, because I chose the sword when I was barely older than you were.”

  “You were?” Jane looked up to Elaine, her eyes wide.

  “I’ll never be able to do many things because of that choice.” Elaine held up her finger. “I can never see myself with a child like you, because of that choice. I can’t see myself settling down with a family.”

  “Why is that?” Jane rose up and placed her head on Elaine’s knees.

  Elaine wanted to take off her gloves and show Jane the calluses on her hands. She wanted to show Jane her scars and ask if someone so worn was worthy of bringing another life into the world. She knew she couldn’t demand that of the child.

  “There are just some things you know, after you make a choice.” Elaine shook her head.

  “That doesn’t sound fair,” Jane said.

  “Whether it’s fair or not, that’s how it is,” she said and Jane pouted.

  They were quiet for a time, as both stared up at the stars. Elaine rubbed her stomach absently as she thought about it again. Elaine might have had her own reasons, but the rules of the Order had always been absolute when it came to children. A knight could not bear one.

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  It was a rule made for when the Order inducted the first women as knights, so long ago. There was no such one in place for the men when they served. Many even had their own families. When Nathaniel chose Elaine, the rule was absolute.

  “Will you teach me a little bit about fighting?” Jane asked, rising up. “I might not fight, but I should know a little before I decide.”

  “Should you now?” Elaine asked, with a grin.

  “Please,” Jane said. “I promise I won’t hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it.”

  She of course would do no such thing. Elaine knew that, but she really couldn’t help herself. She could teach Jane just a few things. It wouldn’t be enough to get her in trouble, but she could teach enough that she would know about it.

  “Fine,” Elaine said, holding up her hands. “But I don’t want to hear about any boys with broken noses from your mother because of this.”

  “I promise you won’t.” Jane smiled.

  For the next two weeks, Elaine did her best to teach Jane a few ways to fight. She didn’t have a practice sword to give Jane, but she was able to teach her some techniques with limbs from the sparse trees.

  Jane did have some talent for it, but she wouldn’t last more than a moment in a real fight. Elaine had learned the hard way, back when she was a child that people didn’t fight fair. She couldn’t bring herself to teach Jane the same lesson.

  She would meditate each day after she trained Jane, but still she didn’t see any results from it. The annoyance burned in her heart. She couldn’t think of any other way to do it. She would just have to be patient.

  She sat pondering it as she, Logan and Joshua were on guard duty. There were a few others scattered around the camp, but Carl saw fit to keep the three together. Elaine wasn’t sure why. They weren’t a team, not really.

  Joshua was his normal brooding self. She didn’t expect a word from the mage unless it was important. Logan was silent as well. They hadn’t talked much since they had left Atria, but he would at least sometimes acknowledge her presence.

  Elaine just sighed as she looked out over the rolling grasses of the plains.

  There was a clear path worn through the grass. Many of the caravans that had come before had taken the same way. The rest of the land was wild, an untamed wilderness so different from the green grasses and forests of Tyra. Even the dry heat was unwelcoming.

  “Did you hear that?” Joshua asked, slamming down his black staff in the dirt.

  “No,” Elaine said, looking to Logan.

  Logan only shook his head, and his eyes searched all around them. He needn’t have looked that far as a primal horn sounded through the night. Elaine’s blood ran cold as she recognized the call.

  “Sarpans,” she said.

  “It came from there.” Logan pointed out to the west.

  At that moment, a line of torches lit, revealing the reptilian monsters. There were at least twenty of them, from what Elaine could see. She clutched at her sword as she counted, her grip tightening until it hurt.

  “It’s a raiding party,” Logan whispered before rising up and yelling to the camp. “Sarpans, to the west!”

  A second cry rose up in response from the camp.

  Logan and Joshua were already standing as the sarpans advanced. The torches danced across the plains as they ran at the caravan. Elaine drew her own sword and said a short prayer to Astor as she faced the oncoming lizards.

  As men poured from the caravan, the sarpans reached them. A wave of dust followed their advance. Elaine was in the thick of it. There was no time to watch out, no time for tactics. It was mayhem.

  Elaine charged her first target, bringing up her sword and stabbing at the lizard’s elusive neck. It had no armor and only a mace for a weapon. With a strong swing, it parried Elaine’s sword, and its claws shot for her heart.

  Its black claws scraped across her leather armor. They wouldn’t be able to pierce it, but she wouldn’t be so lucky if it struck at her head. She retreated, holding up her sword defensively as the sarpan tried to hit her.

  Ever since she lost her armor, Elaine had been thinking about how to fight without its strength. There was a time when it was second nature to her, but that was lost when she joined the Order as a knight.

  She would relearn it, step by step if necessary.

  The sarpan struck down with its mace again, assured in its strength. Elaine would not give it a reason to doubt. She stepped into the strike. In one step, she ducked under the sarpan’s arm. In another, she brought up her sword into its neck.

  Hot blood rained down on her as the sarpan fell to her side. With a heavy thump, it landed in the dirt. Elaine smiled to herself. At least there was still one thing she could do, even if she didn’t have her armor.

  “Get down!” Joshua yelled from behind her.

  She didn’t see the axe coming, the haze in her mind distracting her. She just barely rolled under the swing in time and the air gasped around her from the force of the strike. Just over it, a trail of green flames flew at the sarpan. Before she could rise back up to fight, it lay there with a smoking skull.

  Elaine looked back to Joshua, seeing the smug smile on his face. He had just saved her life. She knew she wouldn’t be able to live that down easily. With a grimace, she turned away, going back to the battle.

  She saw Logan in the rising haze of dust. His sword danced against three sarpan short swords as he defended himself from the assault. For a moment, Elaine was sure that she saw a shadowy hand helping him keep the sarpans at bay, but it disappeared in the dust.

  She charged in from the side, taking one of the sarpans in a tackle. She and the lizard rolled in the dirt over each other. Her tackle didn’t have the power it used to. Before she could steady herself, the sarpan kicked her off and to the ground.

  With a horrifying shriek, it stabbed down at Elaine. Elaine rolled away, and could just hear the thud of the blade against the dirt as she regained her feet. She charged again at the lizard, swinging her sword and striking its neck.

  It wasn’t a perfect cut, but it did its job. The sarpan fell to the ground, clutching at its slit throat with its claws. In moments, it stopped thrashing. Its eyes glazed over in death as it stared at Elaine with unseeing eyes.

  That would stay with Elaine for some time, haunting the back of her mind during the battle. She did her best not to dwell on it. She knew what the sarpans were capable of. She knew not to have pity.

  She hurried back to Logan, keeping her mind locked on the battle.

  Before the moon was high in the night sky, the battle was over. There were only five mercenaries dead for the caravan, and the sarpans took ten losses before retreating into the night. It was a victory.

  Elaine helped move the men to graves. She didn’t know any of them, but she knew that they deserved at least a proper burial. More importantly, it kept her hands busy and her mind away from the sarpan’s eyes.

  She made a small pyre from branches in front of the graves after they were finished. As she finished, Sarah and Jane approached from the caravan, carrying five flowers in their hands. They joined Elaine in silence, kneeling down and offering their prayers.

  Elaine smiled as she knelt down with them and offered her prayers to Astor.