“This week on ReplKtion Station, we present our very special Christmas Episode! The Conductor will take his best friend, the magical hand puppet Copy Kitty, across the land to spread magic and cheer to all with his special power. Where will the famous duo go first?”

  Derrick slammed the script down on the table, trying his best not to let it get to him. How was it that it was even more ridiculous than usual? He glared at the not-so-magical hand puppet co-star as if everything was the felt feline’s fault. If only he wasn’t bound by that stupid contract with Heroix he wouldn’t have to act out something so humiliating. With great reluctance, he resumed reading the script.

  “Oh no! The Addition Engine isn’t starting up! The Conductor must have forgotten to restock the coal. Santa can’t help him this time since he has been a good boy all year, but Copy Kitty seems to have an idea.”

  The paper crumpled under his fingers as Derrick slowly lowered the script again. What was this nonsense? At least the usual show he hosted ran more like a game show, but this seemed like a knock-off cheesy Christmas cartoon. Coal was usually a good thing in the game show, but they still had to pull the whole Santa giving coal to naughty children joke. What was next? Was he going to meet elves?

  “It looks like Copy Kitty doesn’t have enough power to fix the engine and spread Christmas cheer. Luckily, the conductor has a backup plan. He can’t abandon his partner now, after all they have been through! Time to access the Addition Engine’s secret phone.”

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  After that it looked like Derrick had a speaking part, but it was just as atrocious as the rest. Since reading the script word for word was giving him mental damage, he decided to skim it instead. Basically, he called Santa directly (who knows how he got his number) and asked him to give all his good karma to Copy Kitty and give him coal for Christmas instead. After using this trick to outsmart Santa, it was a race against the elves to give the best presents to the good boys and girls of the audience.

  Did elves deliver presents in this version? There were several points that Derrick would like to comment on, but he knew no one would listen. He never got any say in the scripts he was handed. He forced himself to keep reading, but it only got worse from there.

  Somehow Santa got directly involved in the race, and the Addition Engine crashed into his sleigh. With both vehicles out of commission (how had a sleigh broken a steam engine?) Santa and the Conductor were forced to work together. Copy Kitty helped the elves repair the presents, and the Conductor fixed up the train using the remains of Santa’s sleigh. They all delivered presents together and everyone was happy. The end.

  Oh, Santa made the Conductor dress as an elf at some point. It was in the notes rather than the script itself. Derrick looked at the horrific Conductor elf ensemble in the mirror after trying on the costume. This was a joke, right? Why were there Christmas lights in the hat? Was that a halo on Copy Kitty? Contract or no contract, this was more than he could bear!

  Derrick awoke with a start, still shuddering at the horrors he had witnessed in his nightmare. Outside the window of his apartment, snow had begun to fall. He had forgotten in all of the chaos of joining Ashton’s team and Gale Research, but it was getting to be that time of year. He should make sure to get Ashton an especially nice present to thank him from preventing that nightmare from being a reality.