The black words ‘Dire Victory’, a red and purple glow permeating the edges of each serif letter like noxious gas, filled the top center portion of my computer monitor as the earth beneath the large energy structure embroiled with trees and roots exploded in a ball of light. Defeat was always heartbreaking when I played Dota 2, but for some reason, even victories such as this one left a hollow feeling in my chest. As if my soul were saying, “this is how it should be every time” rather than simply embracing the fact that my team and I had outplayed our opponents.

  Is this what addiction felt like? A repetitive cycle of chasing the high I once had when I first played this game all those years ago? Dota is a fun game. It should be fun. But for a long time, my relationship with this game has been strained. I’ve been using it not as a vehicle for enjoyment, but as an escape. Will I ever truly enjoy this game again like I did back then, or will I continue using it as a mechanism to relive times when I was happier than I am now?

  “Hey Trist, why are you being so nice to these animals when they talk shit? Let them have it! Grief the fucking game! Destroy the items you spent all game farming!”

  Lance’s barking came out of my headphones through the filter of his ten-dollar Walmart mic. His parents definitely make enough to buy him a better microphone, but I think he secretly enjoys the scratchy, blaring sound over something of more pristine quality.

  “We’ll get punished if we do stuff like that.”

  “So? It’s a good trade. They shouldn’t have talked shit if they cared about winning the game. I honestly feel disgusting helping those retards win any MMR at all.”

  It wasn’t that I didn’t understand where he was coming from, but something like that was basically impossible for me in my current mental state. I was still far too broken up about what happened earlier to even give this game much of my focus.

  “What’s bugging you today, man? You’ve barely said a word,” Lance said.

  “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just tired today, is all.”

  “Pfft, oh yeah. I get you. I haven’t been able to sleep much either. My name’s in the stars now, you know? I’m a professional actor. The excitement’s been almost too much for me.”

  “Hey…” I started. “Do you really like acting that much?”

  Uncharacteristically, Lance went silent for a brief moment. “It’s hard to explain,” he said.

  I pulled my legs up onto my chair and hugged them. “What do you mean?

  “Well...” He paused to consider his words, another something I found rather uncharacteristic of him. “Do you remember that thing Gwen did? The day before she stopped coming to school?”

  “What, when she pretended to be Naomi?”

  “Yeah that. That shit was crazy, right?”

  “Yeah, she’s really good at that.”

  I don’t blame him for being mesmerized by it. An image of her from the Bird Cage has been burned into my mind ever since I saw her back then.

  “I’ll give it to her, she’s got skill. And the weird thing is, it didn’t feel like she was pretending to me. Nah. To me… it was like, she was actually her for a moment.”

  “Really?”

  “What, you didn’t feel it? At first that shit terrified me. It was my first time watching someone act that well in person. To me it was just magical, man. But then it’s like, when we did the movie at the lake, I tried it for a little while. It was hard at first and stuff but like… stepping into that whole other world with Naomi was… yeah. That shit was cool. I liked that.”

  “So, it’s not just about being famous or whatever?”

  “Nah man, it’s all about that. But I do kinda wanna be famous for doing something fun, and acting is fun. And, AND, I feel like I’m pretty good for someone with no experience. Even Jaz was impressed, stuck up as she can be sometimes.”

  “Jaz, huh?”

  How does she really feel about the three of us leaving the photography club? A part of me felt like it was a waste. Lance loved working on the film, and Naomi seemed to be absorbing everything like a sponge. Then there’s the fact that I was given a chance to sit in the director’s chair like the heroes my dad taught me about.

  I’d always considered myself to be nothing but a consumer, and I was fine with that. It’s an amazing feeling to immerse yourself in a really good movie. I’ve lived so many different lives over the years thanks to the films I’ve seen. But to be given a chance to create a world for other people to step into…

  “Yeah. You know, she’s kinda growing on me Trist. I can see why you hang out with her.”

  “I guess that’s a relief. I thought you guys would end up clawing each other’s faces off” I said.

  “No man. I don’t hit women. Not unless they hit me first anyway. Then all that chivalry shit’s out the window. Oh, speaking of Jaz, did you hear the news?”

  My phone began buzzing at my desk. The screen lit up to Lawrence’s name as my phone danced across the table. It seemed like he couldn’t wait until tomorrow to hear about what happened.

  “Sorry man, I need to take this call. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  “Huh? Oh, sure. I’ll see you around dude.”

  I hung up and picked up the phone. There was a deep discomfort building up in my chest, but I swallowed it all down and answered the call.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey Tris, how’d it go today?”

  Straight to the point I see. I had taken a moment to ponder how I should relay today’s events to him considering how personal they might have been for her.

  “Did Laura tell you anything?” I asked.

  There was a brief silence. It was like he was trying to figure out the best way to respond to me.

  “No, and I couldn’t really ask her even if I wanted to,” he whispered. “Our relationship isn’t really like that anymore.”

  As an only child, I didn’t have much of a frame of reference for sibling relationships outside of my media consumption, so I couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be normal or not. But as far as I could tell, that meant that I could avoid talking about everything Laura had done.

  “Well, we found out that Enzo doesn’t have the video at least. And since Laura had Jacob delete his copy she found out he’d recorded it…”

  “Wait, that means…”

  “Yeah. Zoey really is the only one with the video,” I said.

  I heard him sigh from the other side. “Oh… well, that’s a relief in its own way, I guess.”

  I wanted to ease his mind somehow. He should be the one in my position. He should be the one helping Laura instead of me. The guilt inside of him at getting Laura wrapped up with that girl must have been pushing him toward action. But he knows that if he does anything, then Zoey’s threat becomes more and more real. That’s why he has no choice but to play the role of a passive spectator.

  “We’re… Laura’s going to confront Zoey,” I said finally.

  Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  “What? No, dude. She shouldn’t do that. There’s nothing good that’ll come from that.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “I’ll make sure that nothing bad happens.”

  If Zoey has the threat of that video, then I’ll use the threat of Dream Paralysis to keep her in check. Since she likes hanging things over people’s heads to keep them in place, then I’ll just have to respond in kind.

  “How can you be so sure? Do you… have something on her? Does she really have feelings for you?”

  I suppressed the anger his words had stirred inside of me. Why was it that remembering my feelings for that girl only invoked such blinding rage inside of me? Was it because I regretted wasting so many years of my life thinking about her? I was half-tempted to hack her right that second just to see what miserable ploy she was concocting now, but I was so relieved to have been able to spend the past two days without her. If my decision to not hack her meant that she wouldn’t bother me anymore, then I’ll take that deal any day.

  “Just leave it to me. I helped her with Enzo, so I’ll help her with Zoey too.”

  Just as I helped her with Jacob, I thought. I’ll do everything in my power to help Laura. I won’t make the same mistakes as I did before. What happened with Gwen is never going to happen again.

  “Hey Lawrence, have you ever felt like you wasted your time by loving someone?”

  The line went quiet. At first I thought he hadn’t heard my question. I was halfway through convincing myself to repeat the question, but he finally spoke up. “Never.”

  The confidence with which he uttered the word shook me. Was he talking about Krista? If that’s the case, then my hunch was right. He must’ve been really beat up about ruining things with her all this time.

  “I have another call to make. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Hm? Oh, alright man. Thanks for updating me.”

  “No prob, see you.”

  I hung up then switched over to the girl in question’s number and hit the call button. A bubbly feeling began to stir up inside of my stomach. I had no feelings for the girl, but the thought of talking to one of the most popular girls at school like this was still causing me unneeded anxiety. And after three rings, she finally picked up.

  “You’re kinda pushing it calling me on the same day, you know,” Krista said. Her voice carried a playfulness to it that betrayed the cold words.

  “I saw Enzo today,” I said.

  “Yeah, I heard. He said Lawrence’s sister tried to kill him. I thought it was hi-larious. Said that you saved him, though he didn’t have much of anything nice to say about you either. You know, I kind of wonder why he’s mad at you when you’re the one who caught the phone he dropped.”

  “It was just a coincidence,” I said.

  “Sort of a divine coincidence, but sure. Anyway, I thought the whole thing was kind of funny. It traumatized him so bad that he thought I’d look past him inviting another girl into his room. Hey, I know I’m sorta like, still carrying the wound from what happened with Lawrence and everything, but isn’t it weird to invite a girl like Laura alone into your room? I’m not crazy for thinking that’s weird, right?”

  “I… I don’t know. I guess it depends.

  She scoffed. “What a boring answer.”

  “But…” I continued. “He did threaten Lawrence using her though.”

  “Huh? The hell?”

  “That’s why they got into that fight at the homecoming dance.”

  “Oh Christ,” she said. “Yeah, I’ve just about had enough of boys. Why the hell… I don’t even like Lawrence anymore. Why is he going around picking fights with him? And then he’s going to try to treat Laura like some, some thing he can use to hurt Lawrence? That is super gross. Isn’t that gross?”

  “Super gross,” I repeated.

  “SUPER gross. Oh my God, I swear I’m switching teams after this one Tristan. I can NOT deal with another guy after this. Are you all like this?”

  “I don’t know, but girls aren’t perfect either.”

  “Huh? What’s worse than all this compulsive cheating?”

  “I don’t know about worse, but I don’t like it when the girl I like uses my feelings to extort things from me.”

  The line went dead quiet. The sudden realization that I had spoken so out of turn caused me to shudder. It made sense now why Enzo had blurted that whole thing out about Laura to Krista. Her demeanor seemed to make gossip strangely attractive.

  “What the heck, give me some space to vent…” She sighed. “So is Zoey manipulating you or something?”

  But still, I really wish I hadn’t said that. “Oh, I’m just speaking generally.”

  “Right. So, generally, Zoey is taking advantage of you.”

  “No, that’s not what I said.”

  “What is it?” Krista asked. “Money? Connections? Do you have a big dick?”

  “Uh…”

  “Oh, sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Sexual harassment. I’m not used to gossiping with guys. But still, is she really troubling you? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

  “Are… you really okay with just changing the subject? I mean, Enzo…”

  “Oh, I already broke up with him,” she said. “We rarely see each other anyway. We’re too busy with our own stuff. I’m getting the cheer squad ready for the basketball season and he wants to be the next Patrick Mahomes or whatever. Yeah, I dunno. Today was just it for me. I’d rather not find out he was cheating on me while we’re dating.”

  “You’re taking it well then.”

  “Like a champ. I am not letting a tumor like that live in my head rent free. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cute and I liked hanging out with him, but I’ve never thought that he was worth the distance. It felt like dating someone from another city half the time. I kinda just fell out of it after a while.” She sighed. “Still, I get your point. There’s lots of bad people out there, guy or girl. I shouldn’t just give up over two strikes. There’s probably a homerun coming around the corner, right?”

  “Why the baseball metaphor?”

  “Huh? What else do you want? You miss every shot you don’t take? How about that? That’s basketball right?”

  I typed the quote into my computer. “Wayne Gretzky, hockey.”

  “Oh for the love of… who even cares about basketball anyway? I’m secretly cheering for them to lose every match because it makes Lawrence look like a complete tool anyway. The homecoming game? Soooo funny. Would’ve been perfect if we didn’t end up being king and queen together. Oh gosh, it was hilarious.”

  “Do you really not like Lawrence anymore?”

  The line went quiet.

  For the second time today, the chatter mouth Krista had gone quiet. Was she upset with me for being so familiar? Was she reminiscing? Was she distracted? Without seeing her expression, my imagination could only run wild.

  “That girl who manipulated you.” Krista’s voice was no longer playful. It was smooth and cold, and had cut through the atmosphere of the call that we were immersed in earlier. “Do you still like her?”

  Do I still like Zoey Brahm? If you were to ask me honestly, I couldn’t give you a definite no. The answer probably isn’t a yes either, but it definitely isn’t a no. So how should I answer this question, exactly?

  “You get it, right?” she said.

  I looked over at my desk.

  “Yeah, I think I get it.”

  “Good. Oh, and one more question. What did you think of Gwen?”

  “Gwen?” What was she asking about now?

  “Yeah. I couldn’t really say it in front of the others today, but that last week before she left? After she broke up with Ben? Oh wow. Hadn’t seen that girl so free in years. No bags under her eyes, didn’t swear like a sailor, it was like, so crazy. I’ve known her for a while, you know. We went to the same middle school. We weren’t really friends then, but I knew her. And I kinda feel like it was like seeing the ‘her’ from back then. You know? Before Ben became her life. The reason she overcame that, it has to be because of you, right?”

  “Me? No, I… we just met.”

  “I’m not giving you ALL the credit, ‘kay? Let’s calm down there. I’m just saying. Without you, she might’ve still been stuck in that bad head space. I heard from Penny about what you did, okay? It kinda sounds like you broke the spell of that Ben guy. To be honest, I don’t know you that well, but I’m sure you two would’ve been a better match than her and Ben.”

  “No, I…”

  I couldn’t imagine it. Not after what I did to her. A night hasn’t gone by since that I haven’t heard her screams in my head. That terrified look on her face. I did that to her. It was me. She could’ve died. And I…

  “Pfft, relax. I was joking. Besides, she’s probably already got a new boyfriend at her new school. Not that she’d ever tell me about it. From the way she talks it seems like she’s settling in over there just fine so it might be a matter of time.”

  “She talks to you?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah, all the time. It’s just me and Penny right now though. She hasn’t made up her mind on talking to anyone else yet.”

  “I see…”

  The line went quiet again.

  “This was a good talk Tristan. We should do this more.”

  “Yeah… to be honest, I always thought you’d be more of a jerk.”

  “Oh, I can be super mean. I’ll rip you to shreds if you mess with me. But I dunno. I don’t judge. I mean I do, but I can get along with pretty much anyone who isn’t a jerk themselves. It’s like my superpower or whatever. If you thought I was a jerk it’s because I was probably matching my energy with one.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “Anyhow, call me if you’ve got anything interesting to say. I liked this.”

  I smiled. “Me too. Oh, and tell Gwen…”

  “Hmm? Tell her what?”

  I paused. She wasn’t ready to talk to me. I doubt she’d want to hear about me from Krista. “Nevermind.”

  “How about I tell her you said you miss her?”

  “God no, please don’t do that.”

  “Too laaaate seeyaTristannicetalkingtoyoubye.”

  The line went dead.

  I prayed that she was joking, but for some reason, I was certain that she wasn’t.

  Still. Secretly, I was happy that she offered to do it. Deep down, I’m still holding onto the hope that she doesn’t resent me for what I did.