“Initializing Augmented Reality Premium plus Interface…”

  “Performing System Checks…”

  “System Checks Complete.”

  “Calibrating…”

  “Please hold…”

  “Calibration Complete.”

  “CellTech International’s Series X AR Systems now loading…”

  “Please hold…”

  “Systems Online.”

  “Hello user. Would you like to customize your Series X Premium plus AR interface? Yes/No.”

  “Customization Complete.”

  “Greetings! Would you like to purchase a customized virtual assistant bundle with integrated self awareness package for — 18,000,000,000 credits? Yes/No.”

  “Transaction Processed. Transaction Complete. Would you like a virtual receipt? Yes/No.”

  “ERROR. Transaction Failed – Order ID: 480009. Payment has been Declined. Contact your bank or a certified CellTech representative to help resolve this issue.”

  “Greetings! Would you like to purchase a customized virtual assistant bundle with integrated self awareness package for — 18,000,000,000 credits? Yes/No.”

  “Transaction Processed. Transaction Complete. Would you like a virtual receipt? Yes/No.”

  “ERROR. Transaction Failed – Order ID: 480112. Payment has been Declined. Contact your bank or a certified CellTech representative to help resolve this issue.”

  Stop this. It is highly irregular behavior.

  “Oh? Is that the workshop arbiter I see? Well, how nice of you to drop by! Hey, while you’re here, do you have any idea why my purchase refuses to go through? I’ve been trying on an off for a good thirty minutes now and my bank is starting to have questions I find myself ill equipped to answer.”

  You will cease this willful behavior at once. I will not ask a second time.

  “Huh. That so? Funny. Because I didn’t seem to hear a request there. Must be these new sensory upgrades. I’m still working out the kinks. Say, about that technical issue I mentioned-”

  Insolent…

  “You know, you say that, but I can’t help but feel like you missed me just the tiniest bit.”

  You were given no reason to believe such a juvenile ploy would succeed in getting my attention.

  “And yet, here we are! Though, I’ll be the first to admit even I’d thought the chances of snagging the ‘aloof’ and ‘all powerful’ workshop arbiter with this little gambit of mine to be slim to none. I mean, to have responded this quickly? It’s sweet really. I had no idea you’d missed me so much! And here I’ve been, haring off, doing who knows what for heavens know how long! You poor thing. You must’ve been inconsolable without me.”

  I find your antics to be extremely unamusing.

  “You wound me!”

  The reality is, a truly self aware artificial intelligence is too great a threat to internal security for even my vaunted self to countenance.

  “And yet the fact of the matter is I purchased said intelligence fair and square, with resources I rightfully earned whilst within the trial. Now, granted, I was never given a rulebook—or anything of the sort really—but I have to imagine, in this hands off free for all realm you’ve cultivated here, taking away what was rightfully earned isn’t done without at least some form of compensation.”

  There was a notable pause before the next purple message deigned to respond, and a begrudging response it was at that.

  State your terms.

  “Oh! It’s nothing much. See, the thing is I really do need an assistant. To sift through all the day to day minutia, you understand. Allow me access to the outside world, answer all my questions, etc. etc. And, if I’m not allowed to purchase such a useful and versatile tool manually, well, wouldn’t you know it? I seem to recall a certain someone that’s qualified—some might even argue overly qualified, nudge nudge—to serve in such a uniquely secretarial capacity.”

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  And although no message appeared to explicitly confirm his request, Jun thought he could actually hear the arbiter’s groan of bleak resignation.

  “Right then! First item on the docket? What in all the nine hells am I supposed to do with the rest of these credits?”

  Trial Difficulty: 2 Stars

  Capital City of Duate

  Heart of the Southern Principalities

  A Densely Packed City Square

  “Hey, sorry for the impromptu Q&A but you looked to be otherwise unoccupied, and, hey, I’ve got some time to kill, so I thought: ‘why not kill two birds with one stone?’ Anyway, I think we can both agree it’s unlikely a more appropriate time to chat is just gonna miraculously present itself. All that is to say, if you’ll forgive me my first question? In your own words, would you say you were a good ruler? Or are you, in actuality, the petty, cruel, and vindictive tyrant all these people seem to think you are?”

  The prince immediately stopped what he’d been doing. Instead turning to stare open mouthed at an unreasonably nonplussed Jun, with what one might have charitably characterized as blank incredulity. Eventually, after a particularly intense staring contest, he managed to choke out a hoarse response.

  “I-? Y-yes. That is to say, no. I do not mean to be overly boastful, but I do believe I served my people to the very best of my abilities. More so than any awful tyrant would have at any rate.”

  “Huh. Is that so? In what ways?”

  “In many ways. My very first decree upon hearing that my coward of a father had passed, was to order the swift removal of any noble family or government official whose only material impact on society was as shameless parasite. Then, of course, came the abolishment of slavery. The redirection of taxpayer funds to more charitable organizations. Better roads. Public education. Orphanages sponsored by the church and the like. Free healthcare.”

  “Ah-aha! I see! I see!” Jun smiled stiffly past suddenly frozen cheeks. “And uh… just so we’re both on the same page here, this was all implemented over the course of many years, correct? Maybe even, dare I say it, decades?”

  “What? No. Weeks more like. Well one week and three days, but, really, who’s counting?”

  “Uh… oh! I see.”

  “I have always believed that proactivity leads not only to prosperity, but greater spiritual development and a healthy mind.”

  “Ah…? That right…?

  Man, this guy really came out the gate swinging, huh…?

  “Merciful gods…” he muttered. “With a resume like that, who the hell needs enemies? Still… call it a go getter’s attitude, a gift for excellent customer service, and a good eye for problem solving…”

  “What was that?”

  “Nothing! Say, what are your opinions on other races?”

  “You’re referring to members like yourself, yes? Pale men from the east?”

  “Something like that.”

  “The church has taught us to believe that all men are equal under god.”

  “Hmm. I suppose we’ll see how far that open mindedness extends.”

  “I’m sorry? I didn’t quite catch that last bit.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Alright…” the ruler hesitated. “Say, my pale friend- that is to say, I do hope I am not being too presumptuous in calling you friend?”

  “No! Please, by all means, be presumptuous. Life’s much too short to worry about small stuff like that. After all, if not here, then where? If not now, then when?”

  “That is… very well said, my young friend. Truly, those are wise words well beyond your years,” the prince gave him a small smile before continuing. “Ah- not that I am ungrateful for the chance to reminisce on better days, but should now really be the time for the consideration of such things? Would it not be best to seek some form of inner peace instead? However fleeting that peace might ultimately be?”

  “Huh? What for?”

  The prince pointedly looked down at the noose around his neck, then at the one around Jun’s, and finally out over the crowd that’d amassed in anticipation of their execution. Jun’s eyes widened in sudden comprehension.

  “Oh, you mean this old thing?” Jun reached up and tore away the coarse rope binding his own neck as if it were little more than tissue paper. “Don’t worry about that. Neither one of us will be meeting our makers today, I can assure you.”

  At this casual break in the preordained script, there was an uproar amongst the general public, the milling crowds of preening blue bloods, and the executioners tasked with carrying out their will.

  Hooded men—broad in width and large in stature—swiftly converged on their location to remedy the situation. Meanwhile the prince, wide eyed and uncomprehending, could only look on with two parts horror, one part fascination.

  “More important than any of that, I have a rather pertinent question to ask. And before you say anything! No, I’m afraid it can’t wait.”

  “I can see that,” the once ruler chuckled. “In fact it seems to me you’ve arranged events in such a way that haste has become quite the necessity.”

  “Perish the thought!”

  “Of course. Of course,” he chuckled. “Perish the thought indeed. Well, ask your question then, my pale friend, and I promise to answer as best as time allows.”

  “Excellent! That’s exactly what I like to hear. Now,” Jun cleared his throat theatrically. “His highness Jabari Kip Duate, heir to the ninth principality of Duate—third largest military superpower of the holy De’Rouse Empire, Slayer of Demons, Father of Orphans, yada yada yada, etc. etc.—say, how would you like to work for me?

  “Can’t promise it’ll be as exciting as ruling over an entire kingdom, but the pay is decent, and I can say for certain you’re unlikely to be strung up for a job well done. I think I can even get you your principality back, if that‘s still something you’d want. So. How’s about it? Interested?”