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Jun’s POV (20)

  “Right! So,” Jun announced from where he sat cross legged, hip deep in creeping void mists. “Looks like I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

  Jun quickly gave the condensed list of his achievements and boosted parameters the final once over—hastily scribbled notes, a few random charts, and a spinning three dimensional rendering of himself, of all things, helpfully highlighted in bright shades of magenta.

  Reliable Allies: 6 of 6

  Sworn Enemies: 23 of 23 (never have been all that good at making friends)

  Demonic Pacts: 2 of 2

  Angelic Pacts: 2 of 2

  Star Ranking: None (So far anyway)

  Titles: 32 of 32

  (Note to self: there isn’t an actual limit to the number of titles and what have you I can get my hands on per say—the denominator is effectively whatever I feel like at the time—but when laid out like this it really makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something, you know?)

  Trials Completed: (72 out of 100)

  (Note to self: See what I mean? Man I love fractions.)

  Cultivated Body: Bio-Engineered Body (3 Stars)—[Musculoskeletal Augmentation, Hypodermic Nano-weave, Hyper-twitch Synaptic Relay, Cognitive Accelerator]

  Body: 0.5 celestial sea (58,102 Celestial Essence)

  Mind: 0.5 celestial sea (58,102 Celestial Essence)

  Spirit: 0.5 celestial sea (57,737 Celestial Essence)

  Insight: 6 Stars (250,000,939 Celestial Essence)

  “Uh…? Hey yeah, dumb question. Probably long overdue. Celestial Dew? Celestial Sea? Explain please.”

  There was a long pause before the knockoff deigned to reply. As if to silently ask “Why me? More importantly, why him, of all people?” Jun could only stare into space somewhat sheepishly. He’d always meant to ask for an in-depth explanation. He’d just never found the time. Eventually, it gave in.

  Both are a unit of measurement representing the amount of celestial essence currently saturating your person. From celestial essence to celestial sea, each subsequent unit holds a greater capacity for essence retention than the former. It is not a precise science, but the approximate ratios are as follows:

  1000 Celestial Essence for every 1 point of Dew.

  500 Celestial Dew for every 1 point of Sea.

  100 Celestial Sea for every individual Star Ranking.

  Now, there is some variation to be found in the later stages of star ranking, but clearly, in this instance, those rules do not apply.

  “Right! Thanks for the quick rundown. Much obliged. So anyway… about that. Am I right in assuming having access to a six star attribute at the condensation stage is actually a pretty big deal?

  More than you know.

  “Uhuh. You don’t say…? I see. I see. Well! Seeing as I really don’t know what to do with that information, and, if I’m being entirely honest it rather scares a little bit, why don’t we just move right along, shall we? What say you?!”

  There was no response. Not that he’d really expected one.

  “And you’re sure there’s nothing you can tell me about what I can expect to face in there? The trial, I mean.”

  It isn’t a matter of cannot. Merely whether or not you are willing to pay the price such information would cost.

  Jun sighed.

  “I really wish we could go back to before this whole “price” business came about. You know, I’ve met literal demons less protective of their true name, than you are with random tidbits of potentially life saving information.”

  What can I say. You’ve opened my eyes to the wonders of commerce.

  “And how much would it cost for you to close them again?”

  The free market is a beautiful thing.

  “Considering you hold a total monopoly on what little information I do manage to get, that statement literally makes no sense.”

  The freer the market, the freer the people.

  “Huh? That’s weird. Cause last time I checked, I was the people, and, now that you mention it, I’m not feeling particularly free!”

  I am aware.

  “Oh good! And here I’d thought I was being needlessly paranoid! Nice to know it was just naked hostility I was feeling, and not the phantom ghost of indigestion.” Jun grumbled to himself briefly, before, inevitably, wilting in defeat.

  “Fine! Keep your secrets. I’ve done pretty darn well on my own so far, if I do say so myself. It’s just one more measly star, right? How hard could it be?”

  At this, the workshop arbiter kept infuriatingly mum. Jun merely grit his teeth, looked over his pleasantly inflated stats one last time, then began the process of preparing a five star ranked trial. Or, at least that’s what he hoped he was doing. He hadn’t actually gotten that far, as of yet.

  “No biggie. Should work more or less the same as the four star trial, right? Just, you know… more. Piece of cake.”

  No helpful comment seemed forthcoming from the all knowing know it all. Not that he really minded… overly much. It was becoming something of a shared ritual by that point. He’d leap headfirst into the great unknown, hopelessly unprepared and entirely out of his depth.

  And then, sometime later and with the power of hindsight, the shitty system knockoff would taunt him with all the things he should’ve done differently. Jun quickly selected assimilate before he ground his molars down to little nubs.

  You have selected the Custom Mantra: [#16 A Work in Progress] as your trial partner.

  Is this correct?

  YES/NO

  Then, although it hadn’t been specified anywhere that he could actually do this, he promptly selected a second mantra and hit assimilate—his intent to combine the two.

  You have selected the Custom Mantra: [#23 A Work in Progress] as your trial partner.

  This is in addition to one other mantra.

  You now have the option to take both as your trial partner—sharply increasing the difficulty of said trial.

  Would you like to take both as your trial partner?

  YES/NO

  And finally, a third.

  You have selected the Custom Mantra: [#42 A Work in Progress] as your trial partner.

  This is in addition to two other mantras.

  You now have the option to take all three as your trial partner—sharply increasing the difficulty of said trial.

  Would you like to take all three as your trial partner?

  YES/NO

  And then a forth and a fifth. Promptly selecting yes on each, Jun awaited the results with bated breath.

  Initializing…

  Calculating Trial Difficulty…

  Your resonance pillar has been adjusted for.

  Your body cultivation has been adjusted for.

  Your soul cultivation has been adjusted for.

  Be at ease. Your Mantras do not offend their patrons.

  A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

  Please hold…

  *Ding!*

  Estimated Trial Difficulty: |5 Stars|

  “Yes!”

  Designated Arena: The Undying Empire—Region Code: N4-HBF-06800-SL

  Acclaim Bonus: Half-blood Rebellion, Liang Zhentian, Seven Gang Territory, Orphanage for the Uniquely Strange and Unfortunate, The Principality of Duate, Uncle Foo’s Noodle Emporium?

  Notoriety Bonus: Fallen Iron Fist Sect, Maximilian Alexander De Campos, Twin Leaf Sect, Liang Chenglong, Archibald the Royal Jester, Omnicorp International, The Honorable Ling Household, Duchess Dumont of Wimbleton, Septimus the Destroyer, Demon Lord Yaseth, Verily the Widow-Maker, The All Seeing Eye, Robert E. Downline (Batchelor, Entrepreneur, Philanthropist), Subject #24587, The Woodland Fae of Willow’s Creak, The Great Council of Magi, High Priest Adolfus, Brandon “Backhand of God” Myers, The Fairaway Twins, Club of Sevens, Heavy Armored Marine Corp: 89th Division, The United Aerialight Aristocracy, The REAL Uncle Foo’s World Famous Noodle Shoporium.

  Demonic Alignments: Califear the Cantankerous, Taltheon the Undying.

  Heavenly Alignments: Seraph of Sands Euphoria, Maribel Bringer of Hope.

  Star Ranking: NOT APPLICABLE

  Temporary Titles: Mammoth Slayer, Giant Slayer, Titan Slayer, Free Thinker, Death Strider, Butcher’s Bill I, Butcher’s Bill II, Butcher’s Bill III, Butcher’s Bill IV, Butcher’s Bill V, Butcher’s Bill VI, Butcher’s Bill VII, Neighborhood Boogyman, Peacemaker, Masked Vigilante, The Lord’s Heavenly Instrument, Harborer of Demons, Personified Greed, New Body New Me, What Do You Mean By 4th Wall?, Knight in Shining Armor, Bane of Arthropods, Bane of Priests, Bane of the Working Man, Employer of Kings, Consorts with Demons, Angelic Commune, Inter-Dimensional Contraband, Defender of the Weak, A Devil’s Retribution, Freelance Freedom Fighter, Big Man About Town.

  Please hold still while we transport you.

  Your trial will begin in: 10… 9… 8… 7…

  As the countdown ticked ever closer to zero, Jun tried his best to assuage his racing mind. Not sure whether running through the myriad possibilities and what he might hope to do about them was helping or hurting, he took comfort in the fact that one thing, at least, was practically assured.

  On the word of the stingy system knockoff itself, no less. The only reason he was attempting this trial so soon in the first place. Something he was in desperate need of if this little project of his were to ever have even a chance of being realized.

  More specifically, he needed resources. Human resources, to be exact.

  Your trial will begin in: 5… 4… 3… 4… 3… 5

  Huh? The hell? Is it broken?

  Jun snorted.

  “Hey, I know the whole running gag is that you’re this cheap system knockoff, but I didn’t actually think I’d be proven correct one of these days! I mean-!”

  “Oh???”

  Jun froze. The sound of an unfamiliar voice in this, his holy of holies—his own personal sanctuary—like a shock to his system.

  “Ooooo, you’re… interesting. Want to come over and play? I have all sorts of games!”

  That voice, echoing from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was feminine. Fairly young sounding. Maybe ten or eleven years old? It also had no right being there in the first place. Where the hell was his damned security?!

  “Knockoff? Hello?”

  Receiving no response, a cold tendril of fear began worming it’s way through his gut.

  “Here! Let me start! I spy with my little eye, something that begins with D!”

  Designated Arena: The Undying Empire—Region Code: N4-HBF-06800-SL

  ERROR. Recalculating…

  New Designated Arena: The Undying Empire—LADY IN RED’S BEDROOM PLAYPEN.

  Huh?!!

  “Hey, workshop! You’re seriously freaking me out over here! If this is some sort of sick joke or-!”

  “You like jokes too??!! Ooo! Ooo! I have one!! I have a joke! What do you call a playmate that doesn’t like to play?”

  “Workshop-!”

  “You’re not talking to her now, you’re talking to ME!”

  Like he’d been transported several hundred li beneath the ocean’s surface, an unbearable pressure bore down on him—immediately bringing him to his knees. His very soul seeming to cry out in the wake of her displeasure.

  “W-what do you call a playmate that doesn’t like to play?” Jun managed.

  “A dead man.”

  Your trial will begin in: 3… 2… 1…

  Eleven Months Later…

  The Subterranean Depths of The Undying Empire

  Region Code: E5-MCP-00249-SSL

  Meat Caverns: Domain of the Plenty

  Egg Laying Chamber Adjacent

  Many cycles were spent in dutiful deliberation following the fair haired stranger’s startling request for mass relocation. The seeking of our services selectively and in secret. In perpetuity should it prove plainly profitable for the Plenty.

  Many an egg laying was had whilst entertaining his earnest entreaty. Nearly four fertile generations grown—born bursting to wakefulness with exquisite eruptions of effluvia, eager to join the wide world at large.

  Nearly three of the masters’ day night cycles all told before a contentious consensus could tentatively be reached.

  If the rest of the winding residence was ever the hive of hyperactivity, the cavern cordoned off for the great minds to gather, evidenced a pocket of purest peace and tranquility. Punctuated only by the rhythmic pulsing of slick surfaces—the throbbing of their cavernous confines so commonplace, that the circle of seated elders barely budged an inch with each erratic beat and bump.

  Nine great minds, the first among equals, locked for days in contentious commune. A subvocalized shouting match with their species on the line. And all at the behest of a suspicious looking stranger, the subject of so much strife a sorry sight at the moment. Secure, if sore, as he slowly but surely, sank further and further into the glistening cavern wall.

  “It sits poorly with me is all I’m saying. After all. What need have we for such frivolous things? Hospitable living conditions? Bah! I have all I need right here.”

  “Indeed! The sire that was me raised the we that is he on wall mucus and stomach fluid alone, and just look how well he turned out! And I’ll be damned if any son of mine isn’t raised by the me, that is also he, like all those of us who came before!”

  “But…! Just think of the benefits! Annual salary? Healthcare? Dental?”

  “Silly made up words words and nothing more.”

  “Yes but they are the best kind of silly made up words! They’re new, don’t you see?! How long has it been?! By all that’s profane and unholy, something new! Is it not wonderful?! How they feel… How they taste! How they just seem to pop and sizzle on your tongue?”

  “You sure you haven’t simply had a bit too much of the wall mucus again?”

  “What?! No! I’m clean! I swear!”

  “Mmmm… tastes like burning…”

  “Really now. All of that is beside the point. I, for one, would feel safe and secure knowing that—even as the little baby girls, that are also me, are led kicking and screaming to their brutal demise—I might yet be compensated for the excruciating agony that is slowly being eaten alive again and again, for hours on end. I mean, really, what a weight off my mind that would be.”

  “Well… to be fair, if we must needs fill the bellies of our masters, as is our privilege and solemn obligation, I would much rather be paid in something other than inescapable nightmares of unending suffering, than not be paid at all. Just the regular kind of nightmares, for instance, would be a wonderful change of pace.”

  “You would have us abandon everything we’ve ever known to go haring off to who knows where at the behest of a man we barely know?!”

  Silence.

  “You know, no one ever said we could not take some of the wall mucus with us when we leave.”

  “That’s…? Demons above, how had I not thought of that?”

  “So, it’s settled then? We’ll take the outsider up on his offer?”

  To which there was a general cheer of ascent.

  Their minds officially made up, Jun was eventually pried free from his sticky flesh cocoon—cradled in the arms of the albino hive mind who’d dubbed themselves The Plenty. Blessedly releasing him from the clutches of that infernal wall before it could well and truly swallow him whole.

  And while, in the seconds that followed, it was all that he could do not to fold under the weight an experience of such magnitude left a man with, he would later be infinitely surprised to realize negotiations, in so much as they were, had actually—against all reasonable expectations—gone quite well. Not that he could find it in him to care at that very moment. He was far too exhausted, both mentally and physically, to muster anything so much as a twitch in response.

  He was more tired than a person had any right to be. This trial world had been hell. Literally. In every sense of the word. And he didn’t even know how long he’d been stuck there. Trying in vain to escape that… thing. That terrifying creature. Then fighting for his life in the very bowels of the world.

  Had it been months? Years? He had no idea. All he did know was that, however long it’d been, the days had certainly taken their toll. The only thing he felt particularly motivated to do in that instant, find a spot that was miraculously dry of mucus, and free of the perpetual rancid sewage stink, lie down, and never get back up again.

  And failing that…?

  Well, the ever present pulsing of the walls and floor wasn’t so bad, so far as lullabies went. Already, he could feel his eyelids begin to droop… the tendrils of oblivion beckoning…

  Congratulations!

  It took you nearly a year to get this far. For the record, the vast majority of trial takers clear their first five star trial in a month at the very most. Not that this trial has been in any way cleared mind you. No. Not even close. You still need to retrace your steps to where your journey first began after all.

  But of course, you knew that already.

  It must be stressful though. Knowing that, no matter how impossible it was for you to make it this far, you have no other choice but to do it all over again, else you jeopardize everything you’ve accomplished just to get here. It's no wonder your hair lost most of its color. Though that likely has less to do with the time you’ve wasted on this endeavor, and more to do with the chemically rich atmosphere and the lack of proper nutrients.

  On the bright side, at least the way back should be fairly self explanatory. You did make sure to memorize your route on the way down, did you not?

  Now suddenly very much awake, he recognized there was one thing not even the suffocating levels of apathy enveloping him could fully suppress. He didn’t know when. He didn’t know how. But one of these days he was going to smash that cocksure system knockoff into tiny little bits, and wipe that inexplicable smirk off its nonexistent face. Permanently.

  This…? Oh, this he swore.

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