It was Friday evening, the st ce to prepare me for the uping fight. Mom was drilling me on the first, and only, new spell she'd taught me on our little training trip.

  Dad had taken my on, called upon the winds, and then threw it, through the air, to nd a mile or so away, in some random part of the forest, where I'd likely never find it if I couldn't use magic.

  I exhaled gently through my nose. Wherever my on was, it was glowing blue. Then it disappeared with fsh of violet light, reappearing with much the same as I called it to my hand.

  This was one of the simplest forms of teleportation magic there reparing an object ahead of time with a personalized are marker, and then telep it to your person from wherever it currently was. And because it was, supposedly, so goddamn simple, the spell had been drilled into me relentlessly, until I could call my on to my hand from a mile away while dodging hostile projectiles and riding my motorcycle through a difficult trail.

  Once my on appeared in my hand, I squeezed off a shot at the rock Dad threw at me "just to make sure I was still sharp," and pulled my bike into a sideways skidding halt, kig up loam and litter at him as I came up to his hiding spot.

  "Asshole," I said, slugging him in the shoulder.

  "Hey, you're about to fight the King of Assholes," Dad said. "Or, well, one of the Kings of Assholes. There's other assholes in this world. Point is, I want you to be ready for this. I want you to walk in there, hahis, and think that the training was harder than the real thing, because training should be harder than the real thing. The more you sweat, the less you'll bleed."

  I sighed. "Yeah, I know. Just, y'know." I shrugged. "You put a lot of work into being an asshole, there, and I just want you to know: I reize your efforts, Napoleon. Your efforts in the field of being a colossal prick."

  "Hey, if you're breathing easily enough that you smart-mouth me, maybe we oughtta run that a few more times," Dad said, stroking his .

  "Absolutely not," Mom said, shaking her head as she walked into the clearing with us. "Even you see it, Napoleon- the boy's damn near out of magicka. If he casts another spell in the en minutes, he's going to get mana burn, and even you'd be hard-pressed to treat that well enough for him to survive tomorrow."

  "I could just go in his pce," Dad suggested. "He is my son, after all, and I doubt the King of Thieves tell elves apart that well."

  "We look very different to ah even a scrap of magical perception," I said, shaking my head. "sidering that, if anyone ihieves' Guild is capable of divine magic, it's the King of Thieves, we're probably not gonna be able to shat one by him."

  "Also, you are a redhead, and your father's hair is green," Mom pointed out dryly.

  "In the meahough..." I stretched and yawned, and holstered my on inside my jacket. "I think I'm in agreement with Mom: I am done for today, and I would really, really like to get some sleep."

  "Fair enough," Dad said, nodding. "We'll meet you back at the house, then, so you sleep in a real bed."

  With a flourish of magic, Dad turned into a hawk and flew off, and Mom teleported away in a fsh of blue light.

  "...Assholes," I muttered, before kig my motorcycle back down intear as I puttered off back towards Redwater.

  Despite my imprecations upon their character, I did return home to what was very likely my favorite meal: beef stew, with leeks, carrots, and potatoes. Which, well, was also probably just a generally good choice for the night before a big day- it was hearty and filling in addition to being my personal favorite.

  Antiope and Tim were here, too, what with Tim having e by after the able-bodied members of House Iro went camping for several days a behind a wheelchair-bound old man whose ability to take care of himself wasn't quite what it used to be. sidering the looks Tim and Frederick shot each other every now and then, I had the sneaking suspi that the two had taken quite the liking to each other.

  Talia and Faith, meanwhile, both patted me on the back as I regaled them with tales of my training, and Uncle Frederick simply beamed with pride the whole time, as though I were his own son- which, sidering that he'd helped raise me, and was the impetus behind my birth, I kinda was. He may have been my uncle, but... well, now that I thought about it, he wasn't just my uncle- he was my Hearth-Father, for all that he wasn't also romantically involved with my parents- or at least, I hoped he wasn't.

  "Alright," I said, once I'd emptied my bowl. "I... am going to fall asleep the sey head hits the pillow, so if anyone's got anything to say, now's the time to say it."

  "Good luck, my boy," Frederick said.

  "Go forth and quer," Dad said.

  "Bring me baething nice, will you?" Mom added.

  "I'll bring you the head of the King of Thieves," I promised.

  "Are you going there alone?" Faith asked.

  "He absolutely is not," Talia said, before I could say anything. "This isn't just about him. We were there from the beginning, and we're gon through to the end."

  "...Sure, why not," I said, nodding. "I don't think they'll let you twh the door, but... well, better safe than sorry."

  I may have been relying on my abilities as a wizard so far, but... I was a student of the occult, too. The magic of story and song. Maybe I wasn't a real bard- I couldn't py an instrument, after all- but I did know a thing or two about the structure of stories, and... Well. This didn't feel like a real ensemble piee. Talia was just here because she's personally attached to both myself and Faith, whereas Faith was here because of some weird bureaucratic fuckery that has not, to my knowledge, been meaningfully advanced.

  I, however, was here to recim the funerary effigy of my father's hearth-mother, as well as to prove myself as a petent and capable batant.

  Maybe it was just bias from only seeing the world through my own perspective, but, uh. Well. Couldn't help but feel like this was a story about me, which Faith and Talia simply happen to also be present for.

  "Anyhow," I said, slowly standing up on shaky legs. "I am. So fug tired. And I'm going to bed now. Talia, mind ing with me?"

  "Her parents are right there," Faith said.

  "Get it, girl," Antiope said ftly.

  "...Right. Elves." Faith stood up. "Well, fuck it. Room for one more?"

  "Yes!" Talia said.

  Some occult insight fshed through my brain, and I held my tongue. On the one hand, I did not like Faith. Oher hand, Talia clearly did, and, well… Some amount of promise was necessary.

  Holy, aside from the parts where Faith spoke positively about the Padin's Guild- which had killed my grandparents and most of their children- she wasn't that bad. Sure, the bad stuff retty bad, but…

  …Iunno. Maybe I fix her.

  I wondered if this was how Ena had felt about Terpsichore at first- darling dearest brought home some random human that they clearly want to fuck, and I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I'm mildly ed and wished I wasn't in this situation.

  So instead, I let Faith and Talia take my arms and help me up the stairs.

  "So… after this..." Faith began, as I climbed into bed. "...Have you sidered joining the Padin's Guild?"

  "I'd rather eat gss," I said.

  "Okay, both of you chill out?" Talia said, pnting her hands on her hips. "Faith, I get it, the Padin's Guild is important to you, but it also killed his grandparents, and I would really like it if you'd sting it up every ten minutes. 'Polite tolerance' is the best yetting out of him about your Padin-ness, and frankly, that's all yetting from me, too."

  "Oof," I muttered.

  "And you!" Talia said, turning to address me. "Yeah, yeah, we both know the definition of 'geional trauma.' But could you maybe try being diplomatistead of rattling your saber of moral high-ground? You could've been the oo tell Faith to chill out on the Padin stuff, if you weren't too busy trying to score points in this stupid fug culture war!"

  "...Point," I admitted. "Okay. Faith, I'm sorry I was so abrasive. Please stop talking to me about the Padin's Guild, so I have an easier time of not being a dick to you."

  "I... try, yeah," Faith said. "It's... well, it is important to me, like Talia said, but... well. I guess I get where you're ing from, here."

  "There we go," Talia said. "Now... kiss."

  "I'm going to sleep now," I said dryly.

  "Aw, ," Faith said.

  "Aren't you a lesbian?"

  "Yeah, but if I show you to my parents as a boyfriend, I get away with sleeping with yirlfriend."

  "...I'm going to sleep now," I repeated, this time more forcefully.

  I looked myself in the mirror with trepidation, the m.

  Despite my initial thinking... I'd ended up shaving. A man of any age could be -shaven, but only a teenager pying at being a man could grow a mustache as scraggly and pathetic as mine was.

  From there, though, my grooming was a simple matter. I bed out my long, fme-red hair, before applying a thin film of waxy oil to fix it in pce as I slicked it back, and tilted my head this way and that as I examihe way it, and my ears, framed my own pale, sharp-featured face.

  Ultimately, an elf is simply never going to look like a human's archetypal "tough guy," with broad features and a neck as thick as a tree stump. But there was an image of the archetypal Elven Mage-Knight, still in the popur sciousness, and to my good fortuhat image was rgely based on my fug dad. Even for people who 't tell elves apart... I was one scary motherfucker, once I slipped into my bck leather duster.

  Mom had helped ent it further, during my training. Before, it had simply been unnaturally durable, and roof, and likely to survive turies of being worn, provided I didn't get into any motorcycle crashes while wearing it. But now, it roper armor, the leather aff me the sort of prote normally associated with ptes of steel, to the point it would likely outlive me, even if someone killed me while I was wearing it.

  I ced up my boots- nothing special, save for a noticeable heel and a notder the arch frabbing stirrups or foot-posts on a motorcycle- and stepped out of my bathroom.

  "Alright, dies," I said. "It's showtime."